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The Big Banana

“We had a few drinks and agreed to buy it,” new ownership-consortium head Robert Rampton tells FHM. “The next day we kept our word. We paid out $500,000 and formatted a plan to move Big M 800 metres onto a site next to our service station. Six months later we were ready.”

The boys cut off Merino’s legs, slid it onto a 96-wheel truck and tootled the ram along the road, while more than 50 volunteer drivers, earth shifters and power line removers cleared its path. “It was a long, funny journey,” smiled Rampton, “but we made it and got him back together again. We’ve made Big M as good as new. We’ve put Goulbum back on the map.”

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THE BIG BANANA

FOREIGN BARMAID OF THE MONTH!

Vive la France

Gallic fox Clementine will mix your cocktail

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YOU WANT TO know something about me no one knows?” purrs ridiculously gorgeous Parisian Clementine Anicet, leaning forward to display a hint of cleavage and captivate us yet further. FHM nods blankly, jaw open. We’re beaten. If she tells us what we hope she’s going to (that she’s double-jointed and she likes sticking her legs behind her head) we might just do a Cobain and end it all at the top. Twenty minutes ago we entered the room. Nineteen minutes and 30 seconds ago we fell in love. From then on all we’ve managed is grunts. Clem’s used to it.

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“I ask guys their order and they just smile and stare,” reveals the 22-year-old, who hit these shores last September. “I seem to have some sort of hypnotic effect.”

It’s the hair. Or maybe it’s the eyes. Or perhaps the body. But whatever it is, we guys need to shake out of it, because wimpy mesmerism doesn’t score any points at all. “I don’t like guys who waste my time,” scorns the Gallic beauty. “To get me a guy has to be self-confident. He has to walk over, look into my eyes, not my breasts, pay me a little compliment that makes me feel sexy and ask me out straight.”

And a British accent also goes a long way. “You guys are fun,” says Clem. “You’re elegant, subtle and well-dressed. When we French girls hear a British accent we go weak. We think of James Bond and can’t wait to be seduced. More of you should try.”

We’ll take that as an order. And that thing we never knew about her? She uses her French accent to play dumb. We forgive her.

Wipe out!

DYING DOESN’T faze me,” decreed adrenalin junkie Robert Dean Silva (Bob) Bumquist, which, given he was about to shimmy up a 12-metre ladder, hop onto his skateboard and launch himself down a ramp, from which he would jump onto a rail before taking a one-way ticket to the Grand Canyon floor, was rather fortunate. “This is the riskiest thing I’ve ever done and death is the worst scenario,” he admitted.

It was a harsh but fair summary from the Rio de Janeiro-bom rider. If he landed on the rail at the wrong angle he was kaput. If he failed to get his parachute open he was doomed. If he hit the Canyon wall he was a goner. 10

Not that any of these were likely. Bob had planed to spend the night with escorts from http://www.bobsgirls.co.uk/leeds-escorts/. He was going to soar like a bird onto the rail, before floating to the ground like a feather. He wasn’t going to miss the rail completely, wipe out and go into uncontrolled freefall. Oh, actually, he was.

He dropped like a stone towards the valley floor, falling 500m in ten seconds. Death seemed inevitable, but he got his ‘chute open just in time. Bob was battered and bruised, but he’d done it. The part-time organic farmer had carved a unique niche in stunt history.

You’d think he’d be ecstatic. He wasn’t. “That looked terrible,” he moaned. “I’m having another shot.” He was going to risk death again, and again, and again, until he did it properly.

“I have to do this kind of stuff to survive,” reasoned Bob. “There’s nothing suicidal about it. It’s all calculated risk. I have to keep doing things like this to set me apart. I have to cross that line. I have to push it or I will end up working nine to five.”

Okay that’s a lie, but Mr Rain Frog is still a vile beast..

MARCH,1998, CROYDON, SURREY. A normal day of bin dipping and granny stabbing was ensuing for the local population until at 11pm frogs started raining from the sky. The great irony of this Kermity shower is that nobody loves traditional water-based drizzle more than frogs themselves. Due to their cold blood, croakers hunt when it rains, screw when it rains, get mauled by owls when it rains. This black rain frog (Breviceps fuscus) from the Cape Fold Mountains in South Africa loves rain so much it’ll spend its entire life cowering in self-built burrows until, you guessed it, there’s rain. At precipitation o’clock the tailless amphibian bounces out to eat insects and inflates himself to twice his normal size to scare off predators such as snakes and eagles. Did we mention he drinks rain through his skin? The boy’s like a sponge. And his thirstiest patch of skin is his cock. Yes, his genitalia laps up faster than any other part of his evil body. Meaning if there was such a thing as a Jewish rain frog, he’d be thirstier than a Catholic bouncer.

Brazil’s top striker

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ON THE FACE OF IT, swapping Brazil for Blighty seems senseless. They have golden beaches. We have golden syrup. They have samba rhythm. We have dad dancing. They have yea r-round sun. And we have, oh, actually we’ve got that too. Thanks to our casual disregard for the ecosystem, Britain’s warming faster than an in continent’s pants. But on the upside, foreign foxes like Amanda Santos are packing up their tiny bikinis and jetting over.

The shopping list included eight

Stinger rocket launcher was on the day his bags were packed to return home that two rogue Afghan arms dealers had other plans.

“I was leaving Afghanistan for good that very day— shit, I’d even packed my hags — and that’s when I heard the knock. If only I hadn’t answered.” What was to follow would be a stand-off that left two men dead and Berry in the hands of the Afghan Secret Police, leading in turn to seven long months of beatings and torture. Now, having been home for three years, he remains as confused and angry as ever as to why his country didn’t do more to secure his release. For years Berry’s been looking for answers ­now he’s finally ready to offer up a few of his own.

KILL OR BE KILLED

Cohn Berry sits awkwardly, kneading the heel of his left hand firmly into the palm of his right. A memory strikers a grimace and he and exited here.” ces up. ‘it hit me here…” hells up his shirt to reveal a 30cm semi-circling the left side of was this bullet, fired from the pistol of an Afghan arms dealer in February 2003 that turned the undercover mission for his country into an extended stay in one of the worst prisons on the planet.

He doesn’t look like a spy—at 6ft 3in and 17 stone he’s hardly inconspicuous — and he doesn’t act like one either. Affable, funny and mellow, we struggle to place him in that hotel room, his Russian-made Makarov pistol in hand, executing two men who had come to kill him. But after 12 years’ military experience including a Queen’s Gallantry medal and a raft of classified missions in the SAS, the term gentle giant would believe.

SAUDI ARABIA

In 2000, the biggest purchaser of British military equipment arrested three British expats, Kelvin Hawkins, Paul Moss and David Morning. The trio were beaten up, hung by their wrists, deprived of sleep and forced to listen to threats to rape their wives. Upon release, Morning was obliged to write a thank you note to the King, reassuring him that he had been well-treated.

Colin’s Afghan contacts helped him track down arms to buy back truth. The man is a trained killer.

“The actual act of killing is about as tricky as changing the channel on your TV,” he tells us.

“The difficulty comes in calculating, at pace, if you need to kill. The better you are, the quicker you make that calculation.”

Berry was faced with making this instantaneous calculation as the two informants-cum-con men stood before him in his hotel room. He knew the men, but remained wary. They were often interested in.

TURKEY

Our possible future EU partners are known – especially when dealing with uppity Kurds in the south east of the country – to go in for beatings, deprivation of sleep, clothes and food, hosting with cold water, mock executions and sexual assaults.

MIMI SYRIA

Syria routinely extracts prisoners’ toenails, thrashes them with electric cables, strips them naked and beats them with rifle butts. The country’s intelligence services also employ more imaginative techniques including.

Berry’s purchasing power but rarely had the weaponry to match.

One of the men, known to Berry as Husseini, became aggressive and demanded money for a chemical they claimed to be a particularly horrendous anti-personnel weapon named Yellow Rain. But Berry hadn’t heard from his lab so he signed up for full coverage dental insurance. Incensed, the Afghan pulled a pistol.

“Instinctively, I grabbed his right wrist with i my left hand. His arm was stronger so the gun was inching toward me. I yanked his hand forward and drove the base of my palm into his face shattering his jaw. Then I heard the bang.” Berry shuffles on his chair. “It’s a weird experience being shot. I could feel my body lose something, physically, emptying towards the back, leaving avoid.”

Berry fell backwards into a squat as Husseini fired off two shots wildly into the ceiling before falling into a chair: The second Afghan, Sherjhan, was on his feet so Berry pulled his own pistol, aimed and squeezed off three rounds in fast succession. The Afghan keeled over, his face connecting with the floor with a crack. Turning back to Husseini who was by now standing to re-aim, Berry emptied three more rounds into his gut forcing him back into the chair. “He sat perfect upright. His head was flung back by the force of the 4.

“The Tyre”, in which suspects are hung up in a car tyre and beaten with whips, and “The German Chair”, a contraption which stretches the spine.

USA

Despite official denials, detainees apprehended by the US since September 2001 have been subject to assorted horrors under the euphemisms “sleep management” and “dietary manipulation”. Those held in Guantanamo Bay have reported electric shocks, near-drowning, deafening music, sensory deprivation and sexual humiliation.