“We had a few drinks and agreed to buy it,” new ownership-consortium head Robert Rampton tells FHM. “The next day we kept our word. We paid out $500,000 and formatted a plan to move Big M 800 metres onto a site next to our service station. Six months later we were ready.”
The boys cut off Merino’s legs, slid it onto a 96-wheel truck and tootled the ram along the road, while more than 50 volunteer drivers, earth shifters and power line removers cleared its path. “It was a long, funny journey,” smiled Rampton, “but we made it and got him back together again. We’ve made Big M as good as new. We’ve put Goulbum back on the map.”
THE BIG BANANA
FOREIGN BARMAID OF THE MONTH!
Vive la France
Gallic fox Clementine will mix your cocktail
YOU WANT TO know something about me no one knows?” purrs ridiculously gorgeous Parisian Clementine Anicet, leaning forward to display a hint of cleavage and captivate us yet further. FHM nods blankly, jaw open. We’re beaten. If she tells us what we hope she’s going to (that she’s double-jointed and she likes sticking her legs behind her head) we might just do a Cobain and end it all at the top. Twenty minutes ago we entered the room. Nineteen minutes and 30 seconds ago we fell in love. From then on all we’ve managed is grunts. Clem’s used to it.
“I ask guys their order and they just smile and stare,” reveals the 22-year-old, who hit these shores last September. “I seem to have some sort of hypnotic effect.”
It’s the hair. Or maybe it’s the eyes. Or perhaps the body. But whatever it is, we guys need to shake out of it, because wimpy mesmerism doesn’t score any points at all. “I don’t like guys who waste my time,” scorns the Gallic beauty. “To get me a guy has to be self-confident. He has to walk over, look into my eyes, not my breasts, pay me a little compliment that makes me feel sexy and ask me out straight.”
And a British accent also goes a long way. “You guys are fun,” says Clem. “You’re elegant, subtle and well-dressed. When we French girls hear a British accent we go weak. We think of James Bond and can’t wait to be seduced. More of you should try.”
We’ll take that as an order. And that thing we never knew about her? She uses her French accent to play dumb. We forgive her.